Introduction

As a recovering people pleaser, I owe a huge debt to Harriet Braiker's Disease to Please. Her book was honestly instrumental in helping me reframe how I thought about my people-pleasing tendencies. Where I used to gaslight myself into thinking my needs by default mattered less than those around me—or compared to the harmony of whatever social situation I found myself in—Braiker helped me understand that people pleasing isn't just about "being a kind person." It's actually a deeply ingrained compulsive tendency to seek external validation that becomes intertwined with our self-worth and self-talk.

If I'm being completely honest, my people-pleasing recovery journey is still continuing, and at times I still feel disappointed when I realize I haven't come as far as I originally thought. But as Braiker emphasizes, the key first step is always awareness and genuine acceptance that this is the challenge you're working through.

In the last year or so, as I was developing the concept of college-pleasing (you can read more about how that term was born here), I began to realize there was no similar diagnostic tool to assess how much students applying to top colleges are assigning their self-worth to acceptance letters—potentially unknowingly shifting the power dynamic by giving admissions officers ultimate control over their potential and identity.

So I've tried to create one! It's heavily inspired by Harriet Braiker's framework for detecting people-pleasing mindsets, so if you're curious about Dr. Braiker's excellent research on emotions and behavioral patterns, I highly recommend checking out her full book.

What's been really cool is that over the last few months, I've received tons of feedback from high school students who resonate with my story and recognize their own potentially unhealthy college-pleasing patterns. These examples came from high-achieving students all unique in their own ways, but their struggles apply to many of their peers—not just in their generation, but cross-generationally. I've felt many of these pressures myself, and I've even heard from a millennial parent who recognized the same approval-seeking patterns from her own college application experience with immigrant parents.

The goal with this diagnostic isn't to guilt or shame anyone if these statements remind you of an uncomfortable truth you may be facing. But for those willing to dig deeper, I hope this can help spread awareness about college-pleasing's unintended consequences and show students going through it that they're not alone or crazy—there is a better way forward.

1. It's extremely important to me to be the perfect candidate in the eyes of every highly selective college I apply to (T/F)

Student examples:

• "I was exhausted, and I forgot why I cared about the very things I had built... I realized I was performing impact instead of living it... I didn't call it college-pleasing at the time; I called it drive."
• "For a long time, I believed I had to be perfect. Every assignment, every answer, every decision had to be flawless... I chose safe paths over bold ideas. I chased praise and recognition, thinking that external validation would make me feel secure."
• "I was really worried that I wasn't in any clubs and not showing enough participation in school for colleges to accept me... they said it was too good of an opportunity to pass down, and that colleges loved you showing leadership."

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2. My needs as an applicant and human-being should always take a backseat to the needs of admissions officers reviewing my application (T/F)

Student examples:

• "I adopted a 'say yes' mindset going into high school. I joined as many clubs as I could, became a 3 season athlete... I experienced multiple episodes of intense burnout and procrastination... I had literally no free days."
• "Competition at my school is quite toxic... I ended up signing up for a good five APs, three of which I took outside of school courses. That was not a good idea... I got a 2, a 3, and a 4 on those extra tests."
• "I joined [a technical team] not because I was deeply interested in engineering at the time, but because it was a seemingly very impressive extracurricular everyone said colleges valued."

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3. I pack my schedule with activities I don't enjoy because I believe being busy will make me less likely to be rejected (T/F)

Student examples:

• "I joined as many clubs as I could, became a 3 season athlete, and joined school organizations... I was busier than I ever was."
• "In [grade], I wanted to join a club, and I ultimately decided to join [activity]. However, it was not because I wanted to do the sport, but because all of my friends were doing it... I began dreading every practice and game."

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4. I believe that if I impress admissions officers with my perfect scores and impressive achievements, then they will accept me (T/F)

Student examples:

• "When someone asked me what I was most proud of that semester and I couldn't answer without checking my resume, I realized I was performing impact instead of living it."
• "From being labeled a gifted student, I was always striving for excellence and achievements on top of my genuine curiosity... leaving me with little time to myself and to be social with friends and family."
• "I used to believe that the 'perfect moment' was just around the corner. I would wait for it endlessly, certain it would make my work flawless."

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5. If I choose activities based on my genuine interests rather than what looks impressive, colleges will see me as unmotivated (T/F)

Student examples:

• "While I have a deep love for performing arts, my talents in these areas will not be the reason I get into a selective college... When I realized I didn't love [academic competition], I quit. My school counselor questioned the decision because my state awards... would look good on college applications."
• "I forced joined myself into [academic activity] because I wanted to look 'cool' and confident... I also heard that it was extremely beneficial for college applications... However, that is unfortunately a lie and I was just doing it for validation."

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6. I have to give of myself (time, mental health, physical health, etc) all the time in order to be worthy of admission to a top college (T/F)

Student examples:

• "I wanted to take the most AP classes, join the most extracurricular, and have it all. Little did I know that one class would cause me such severe burnout that I ended up in the hospital for a month."
• "When I received an award for the previous semester as I do each time, my body felt different. I was tired and I couldn't help but cry... I was constantly sick. I was fighting against my body through fevers, panic attacks, vomit, colds."
• "I found myself working on a presentation at midnight... I convinced myself this was what impact looked like, that if I worked harder, moved faster, and did more, I'd be 'enough.'"

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7. I believe that students who appear perfect get preferential treatment from admissions officers (T/F)

Student examples:

• "I became scared, starting to fear that my introverted and more soft-spoken qualities would stop me from getting taken seriously... So I changed myself. I studied what some other leaders were doing, and became a forcefully loud, extroverted, and always peppy version of myself."
• "My first draft felt too simple, too real — so I rewrote it to sound 'impressive.' I filled it with polished phrases, big-picture language, and neatly packaged success stories. It read like the kind of application I thought they wanted, not who I actually was."

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8. I would think that I am a bad student if I didn't give of myself all the time toward the goal of impressing admissions officers (T/F)

Student examples:

• "I always had to be the best, be right, be the teacher's favorite. I never let myself slow down and think deeper about what we were learning... My mom found me crying inconsolably at the kitchen table, convinced that I wouldn't understand the multiplication and would be seen as stupid and a failure."
• "I started to feel like if I wasn't constantly achieving and being productive, then I wasn't worthy of the opportunities I'd been given... I felt like I had to justify my existence through constant accomplishment and validation from others."

What Your Score Might Indicate (how many Q’s you answered T)

Score 6-8: High Awareness Needed

• You may be experiencing significant stress related to college admissions, and it might be affecting your well-being, sleep, relationships, or connection to activities you once enjoyed. This is your opportunity to step back and reconnect with what matters to you beyond college outcomes. Consider talking to a trusted adult, counselor, or mentor about strategies to reduce pressure and rediscover your authentic interests.

Score 4-5: Moderate Course Correction Helpful

• You're likely experiencing some tension between what you genuinely want to do and what you think will look impressive to colleges. This awareness puts you in a strong position to make more intentional choices moving forward. Focus on identifying which activities truly energize you versus which ones feel like obligations.

Score 2-3: Mostly on Track with Room for Prevention

• You seem to maintain a healthy relationship with college admissions while still caring about your future. Stay connected to your authentic interests and be mindful during high-stress periods when college-pleasing tendencies might temporarily increase.

Score 0-1: Strong Foundation

• You appear to have a healthy perspective on college admissions as one part of your larger life journey. Your approach could serve as a model for peers who might be struggling with these pressures.

Remember: Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward making choices that align with both your college goals and your personal well-being. You have more control over this process than you might realize!

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Next Week Preview

So you're probably thinking: "Fei this is cool and all but now that I know I'm a huge college-pleaser how do I DO something about it??". And that's totally fair!

Next week we'll dive into ways how you can inject more fun and freedom into the college admissions process in general. Because often times those are the moments we are being our most authentic (and also least college-pleasing) selves.

So please look forward to that!

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Ways to Support This Work

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Til next week!

Fei